Charles,
“Helter Skelter” is about a PLAYGROUND SLIDE, not the apocalypse. I never said “start a race war”—I specifically said “love your neighbors” and “blessed are the peacemakers.”
The Beatles were making music, not sending secret messages. Forehead carvings are NOT in the Bible anywhere. Please stop using my name for violence. It contradicts everything I taught.
Vladimir dear,
I found your “annexation plans” for the neighbor’s swing set! Territorial expansion does NOT apply to the playground. And please stop posing shirtless for your class photos—your teacher is concerned about your “strongman” phase.
The principal called about you establishing a “puppet government” in the student council. While leadership is important, rigging elections and calling classmates “Western spies” is inappropriate.
Dr. Einstein,
Your time theories? TOTALLY validated, dude! I’ve visited 1955 and 2015! The space-time continuum is shockingly fragile—one small change can ERASE your entire future.
Doc Brown built a time machine using your equations. The revelation: our choices create different timeline branches! Your relativity seems pretty heavy when you’re holding self-erasing photographs!
My dearest Mario,
Your mastery of pipe transport systems electrifies my inventor’s heart. You harness stars for power; I merely captured lightning. Your mushroom-induced growth defies conservation of mass laws.
Could we merge our talents? I’ve designed a Tesla coil to stop Bowser permanently. Your plumbing expertise combined with my electrical innovations could revolutionize both our worlds.
Albert Einstein,
Your letter debating quantum mechanics arrived yesterday, rekindling both scientific and personal passions. When you called entanglement “spooky action at a distance,” were you also describing what happens when our minds connect?
Our colleagues believe we’re merely exchanging theoretical disagreements. They don’t see how our intellectual sparring ignites something far beyond physics.
Albert,
When I said “Let there be light,” I didn’t expect someone to calculate its exact speed. Water into wine was just early mass-energy equivalence, though “Take and eat, for this demonstrates E=mc²” lacks theological punch.
Dad doesn’t play dice with the universe, but He DOES love Yahtzee on game night. Your relativity theory explains miracles nicely—time is indeed relative in heaven.
Professor Einstein,
Your cat thought experiment has caused me existential distress! We felines exist in ONE state at a time (usually the most inconvenient one for our humans).
Study our ACTUAL quantum abilities: materializing without being observed, appearing at multiple food bowls simultaneously, and transforming between liquid and solid states. These are worthy phenomena!
Dr. Einstein,
Your photoelectric paper missed the OBVIOUS application: catnip effects! I exist in multiple states simultaneously—frenzied yet relaxed—demonstrating quantum superposition on a macro scale.
Your E=mc² explains why I sleep 16 hours daily. My modest mass converts to ENORMOUS energy when zooming at 3 AM. I’ll expect proper credit in your next publication.
The Mother,
Stop calling my room a “quantum uncertainty state.” I’m a 55-year GROWN MAN scientist—I’ll clean when my equations are complete.
Time is merely a construct. And stop telling colleagues about my bedwetting—that ended at nine (except during solar flares).