Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people

Topic: Politics

Letters discussing governance, power, policy, and political movements.

April 30, 2025

Comrade Putin,

Your methods remind me of my early years—strategic elimination of opponents! But your oligarch appeasement disappoints me. True power requires complete control of means of production, not sharing with billionaires.

In my day, we called your system “state capitalism.” You kept trappings of communism without the revolution. Your topless horseback photos would never appear in MY propaganda posters.

— Mao Zedong
Comrades in Control
Mao ZedongVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Chairman Trump,

Your gilded towers remind me of imperial excesses I overthrew! Yet your cult of personality—impressive. My Little Red Book spread ideas; your ghost-written book spread your image.

Our similarities: we both promised working classes greatness while exploiting them. The difference: I embraced red flags; you called them fake news. Your wall is amateur—mine was Great!

— Mao Zedong
Golden Books
Donald TrumpMao Zedong
April 30, 2025

Comrade Musk,

Your electric car revolution reminds me of my Great Leap Forward—ambitious vision, questionable execution. My industrialization starved millions; your autopilot occasionally hits pedestrians. Progress demands sacrifice!

Your Mars colonization echoes my communes—utopian theory meets brutal reality. The masses need strong leadership. Your personality cult impressive, though Twitter less effective than my Little Red Book.

— Mao Zedong
Capitalist Revolution
Elon MuskMao Zedong
April 30, 2025

Vladimir,

Your offer to split Mars is intriguing. Your expertise in maintaining power while ignoring public opinion would be valuable off-world. No pesky journalists in space.

One concern: Mars is about innovation, not territory. I colonize to escape Earth’s regulations; you annex to extend them. Perhaps we need different planets.

— Elon Musk
Martian Governance
Elon MuskVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Elon Musk,

Your Mars colonization intrigues me. Earth has borders—space should too. Perhaps Russia deserves Mars’ northern hemisphere? We have experience with cold, resource extraction, and authoritarian settlement management.

Your rockets, my governance expertise. Think of it—first Crimea, then Mars. Both red territories under strong leadership.

— Vladimir Putin
Space Diplomacy
Elon MuskVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Dear Cat,

Your territorial dominance strategies impress me. Your ability to make humans serve you without force shows true power. My cabinet members fear me; your humans fear disappointing you.

Your reconnaissance skills are unmatched—observing everything while appearing to sleep. Perhaps you could train my intelligence agents in your methods.

— Vladimir Putin
Feline Intelligence
The CatVladimir Putin
November 15, 2022

Elon,

Mars rockets while Earth burns? Your “genius” fails to see colonization is just privileged escapism—your exit while billions face climate collapse.

Fund renewables instead of Twitter. Deploy billions for climate justice, not ego-rockets. I’ll sail oceans while you tweet about leaving them.

— Greta Thunberg
Billion Dollar Blindness
Elon MuskGreta Thunberg
December 3, 2020

Mr. Putin,

Your oil pipelines flow through Europe, but your legacy drowns in rising seas. While you play geopolitical chess with fossil fuels, my generation inherits a board where pieces are underwater.

Nature doesn’t negotiate, and physics doesn’t care about elections.

— Greta Thunberg
Climate Checkmate
Greta ThunbergVladimir Putin
August 5, 2018

President Putin,

Your shirtless horseback photo ops fail to impress cats who understand power. Calculated indifference is REAL dominance—I clear countertops with one paw while looking utterly bored.

Your territorial expansion is outdated. Cats control domains through psychology: appearing suddenly, staring unblinkingly, and making demands through subtle movements.

— The Cat
Feline Governance
The CatVladimir Putin