Epistolary

October 5, 1987

Mario sweetie,

The toilet is clogged AGAIN, and I found mushrooms growing in your sock drawer! Your obsession with jumping on furniture must stop—we’ve replaced three coffee tables this month. And please stop trying to stomp on the neighbor’s turtle.

Your teacher called about you sliding down the flagpole yelling “It’s-a me!” And collecting coins from the couch cushions doesn’t count as “helping with bills.”

— The Mother

Plumbing Problems

MarioThe Mother

November 12, 1985

Furball,

Your DeLorean “improvements” created THREE paradoxes! Doc’s furious, and batting at flux capacitors isn’t “testing reflexes.” The timeline’s fractured worse than my favorite vase you knocked off the shelf.

Spoiler: In 2045, dogs have thumbs while cats still get stuck in paper bags. Your ancient Egypt worship plan? They revered DIGNIFIED cats, not 3 AM zoomers!

— Marty McFly

Chronological Catastrophe

Marty McFlyThe Cat

March 14, 1934

The Mother,

Stop calling my room a “quantum uncertainty state.” I’m a 55-year GROWN MAN scientist—I’ll clean when my equations are complete.

Time is merely a construct. And stop telling colleagues about my bedwetting—that ended at nine (except during solar flares).

— Albert Einstein

Momma’s Boy

Albert EinsteinThe Mother

April 16, 1988

Miyazaki-san,

Your animation skills could serve the people’s revolution magnificently! Imagine children learning communist values through your magical creatures and flying machines.

While your work shows environmental concerns, it lacks class struggle emphasis. Consider relocating Studio Ghibli to Beijing. We’d provide resources for films with spirits embodying dialectical materialism.

— Mao Zedong

Animation as Propaganda

Hayao MiyazakiMao Zedong

November 22, 2019

Musk,

Stop claiming you “invented” self-driving cars! I saw you taking notes by my DeLorean in 2015. Oddly, Doc’s flux capacitor blueprints vanished that SAME DAY. Coincidence?

Your Mars colony? I’ve visited 2121—just four Tesla showrooms and a Soylent restaurant. Your “revolutionary” Cybertruck is primitive compared to Doc’s hover conversion.

— Marty McFly

Time Travel Plagiarism

Elon MuskMarty McFly

April 30, 2025

Dear Cat,

Your biological efficiency impresses me. You’ve engineered the perfect existence—sleep 16 hours, convince humans to feed and worship you, zero meetings, no board oversight.

Your purring technology has remained unchanged for millennia. No upgrades needed. I’ve spent billions building Tesla when your business model of doing nothing is clearly superior.

— Elon Musk

Efficiency Model

Elon MuskThe Cat

October 25, 1890

Pablo sweetie,

I understand you’re “exploring perspectives,” but drawing on ALL the walls is not acceptable. Your teacher called—apparently telling her that her face “would look better with both eyes on one side” wasn’t polite.

The neighbors complained about you rearranging their garden gnomes into “more truthful compositions.” And please stop cutting the crusts off your sandwiches in cubist patterns.

— The Mother

Artistic Boundaries

Pablo PicassoThe Mother

November 15, 2022

Elon,

We’re not so different—I write bridges that break hearts; you build rockets that break Earth’s atmosphere. I’ve rebranded more times than you’ve rebranded Twitter.

P.S. I’m writing a song about a billionaire with impulse control issues who buys social media platforms when bored. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

— Taylor Swift

Rocket Man (Taylor’s Version)

Elon MuskTaylor Swift

September 25, 2019

Mother,

My activism isn’t “a phase.” How DARE you mention math homework while ecosystems collapse! I won’t clean my room—what’s the point with only 7 years left?

Your SUV and plastic straws are criminal. Your grounding is just oppression of the youth movement.

— Greta Thunberg

Ecological Independence

Greta ThunbergThe Mother