Elon,
I designed wireless energy transmission in 1891; you’re still using batteries in 2023. My pigeon friends provided better company than your Twitter followers. Your Mars dreams are just that—dreams.
Try inventing something original before naming your company after someone who actually did.
Mao Zedong,
Our nations may be locked in ideological warfare, but our private diplomatic channels grow increasingly… personal. Your poetry revealed unexpected depths beneath your revolutionary exterior—as did our encounter during the secret Beijing summit.
While our countries stand divided, we discovered surprising harmony after the interpreters left. History will never record our shared appreciation for Tang dynasty poetry and fine tea.
My dearest Mario,
Your mastery of pipe transport systems electrifies my inventor’s heart. You harness stars for power; I merely captured lightning. Your mushroom-induced growth defies conservation of mass laws.
Could we merge our talents? I’ve designed a Tesla coil to stop Bowser permanently. Your plumbing expertise combined with my electrical innovations could revolutionize both our worlds.
Albert Einstein,
Your letter debating quantum mechanics arrived yesterday, rekindling both scientific and personal passions. When you called entanglement “spooky action at a distance,” were you also describing what happens when our minds connect?
Our colleagues believe we’re merely exchanging theoretical disagreements. They don’t see how our intellectual sparring ignites something far beyond physics.
My esteemed colleague,
In strict confidence: while studying wireless energy, I observed something that violates relativity, with implications so profound and terrifying I’ve destroyed all evidence.
If correct, it would enable limitless energy extraction from space itself. Some discoveries are better left unpursued. I trust your absolute discretion in this matter.
Nikola dear,
Stop rewiring the house! Your “energy transmission” shorted our block. Pigeons aren’t geniuses—they’re birds with parasites.
Don’t build Tesla coils unsupervised. And stop calling Edison a “thieving dullard” to his mother.