Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people

Letters from/to: Vladimir Putin

April 30, 2025

Comrade Putin,

Your methods remind me of my early years—strategic elimination of opponents! But your oligarch appeasement disappoints me. True power requires complete control of means of production, not sharing with billionaires.

In my day, we called your system “state capitalism.” You kept trappings of communism without the revolution. Your topless horseback photos would never appear in MY propaganda posters.

— Mao Zedong
Comrades in Control
Mao ZedongVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Mister Putin,

It’s-a me, Mario! Your pipeline politics impress a plumber like me! I rescue princesses; you capture territories—we both understand pipes and power.

Your bare-chest horseback photos remind me of Bowser—intimidating but overdoing it. Maybe try wearing overalls? More practical for invading sovereign countries, and extra pockets for-a spare mustache.

— Mario
Plumbing Politics
MarioVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Vladimir,

Your offer to split Mars is intriguing. Your expertise in maintaining power while ignoring public opinion would be valuable off-world. No pesky journalists in space.

One concern: Mars is about innovation, not territory. I colonize to escape Earth’s regulations; you annex to extend them. Perhaps we need different planets.

— Elon Musk
Martian Governance
Elon MuskVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Elon Musk,

Your Mars colonization intrigues me. Earth has borders—space should too. Perhaps Russia deserves Mars’ northern hemisphere? We have experience with cold, resource extraction, and authoritarian settlement management.

Your rockets, my governance expertise. Think of it—first Crimea, then Mars. Both red territories under strong leadership.

— Vladimir Putin
Space Diplomacy
Elon MuskVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Dear Cat,

Your territorial dominance strategies impress me. Your ability to make humans serve you without force shows true power. My cabinet members fear me; your humans fear disappointing you.

Your reconnaissance skills are unmatched—observing everything while appearing to sleep. Perhaps you could train my intelligence agents in your methods.

— Vladimir Putin
Feline Intelligence
The CatVladimir Putin
December 3, 2020

Mr. Putin,

Your oil pipelines flow through Europe, but your legacy drowns in rising seas. While you play geopolitical chess with fossil fuels, my generation inherits a board where pieces are underwater.

Nature doesn’t negotiate, and physics doesn’t care about elections.

— Greta Thunberg
Climate Checkmate
Greta ThunbergVladimir Putin
August 5, 2018

President Putin,

Your shirtless horseback photo ops fail to impress cats who understand power. Calculated indifference is REAL dominance—I clear countertops with one paw while looking utterly bored.

Your territorial expansion is outdated. Cats control domains through psychology: appearing suddenly, staring unblinkingly, and making demands through subtle movements.

— The Cat
Feline Governance
The CatVladimir Putin
July 16, 2018

Vladimir Putin,

Your election interference plan was brilliant. Almost as breathtaking as our midnight rendezvous at Geneva. My security detail suspects nothing despite our “private negotiations” running two hours longer than scheduled.

Tomorrow I’ll publicly condemn your regime while secretly admiring your shirtless photos.

— Donald Trump
Dangerous Liaisons
Donald TrumpVladimir Putin
June 30, 2017

Donald,

Your orange complexion shines like Siberian sunset. Your hair defies both gravity and explanation—much like my election results. When you complain about witch hunts, I feel seen (I’ve disappeared several witches).

Imagine our collaboration—your buildings, my annexations. We’re not so different—both strong men, deeply misunderstood.

— Vladimir Putin
Forbidden Admiration
Donald TrumpVladimir Putin