Epistolary

April 12, 1942

My dearest Mario,

Your mastery of pipe transport systems electrifies my inventor’s heart. You harness stars for power; I merely captured lightning. Your mushroom-induced growth defies conservation of mass laws.

Could we merge our talents? I’ve designed a Tesla coil to stop Bowser permanently. Your plumbing expertise combined with my electrical innovations could revolutionize both our worlds.

— Nikola Tesla

Electricity and Plumbing: A Love Connection

MarioNikola Tesla

April 16, 1988

Miyazaki-san,

Your animation skills could serve the people’s revolution magnificently! Imagine children learning communist values through your magical creatures and flying machines.

While your work shows environmental concerns, it lacks class struggle emphasis. Consider relocating Studio Ghibli to Beijing. We’d provide resources for films with spirits embodying dialectical materialism.

— Mao Zedong

Animation as Propaganda

Hayao MiyazakiMao Zedong

June 19, 2023

Dear Kitty,

Your fur is everywhere! Self-cleaning isn’t optional just because you’re existential. The vet says your “quantum state of cleanliness” excuse is invalid.

Stop knocking things off surfaces. And 3AM isn’t for tuna philosophy.

— The Mother

Feline Hygiene

The CatThe Mother

September 23, 2019

Dr. Einstein,

Your equations unlocked atomic power that could have powered civilization cleanly. Instead, your science birthed weapons that threaten our future. Your brilliance forgot to calculate the carbon cost.

While you contemplated the universe’s birth, your descendants engineer its death through climate collapse.

— Greta Thunberg

Quantum Responsibility

Albert EinsteinGreta Thunberg

April 30, 2025

Comrade Putin,

Your methods remind me of my early years—strategic elimination of opponents! But your oligarch appeasement disappoints me. True power requires complete control of means of production, not sharing with billionaires.

In my day, we called your system “state capitalism.” You kept trappings of communism without the revolution. Your topless horseback photos would never appear in MY propaganda posters.

— Mao Zedong

Comrades in Control

Mao ZedongVladimir Putin

April 18, 1936

Albert,

When I said “Let there be light,” I didn’t expect someone to calculate its exact speed. Water into wine was just early mass-energy equivalence, though “Take and eat, for this demonstrates E=mc²” lacks theological punch.

Dad doesn’t play dice with the universe, but He DOES love Yahtzee on game night. Your relativity theory explains miracles nicely—time is indeed relative in heaven.

— Jesus Christ

On Faith and Physics

Albert EinsteinJesus Christ

October 5, 2021

Monsieur Gates,

Your “Windows 11” baffles me! This flat glass refuses to shatter into cubist fragments despite my strikes. Your “Paint” program auto-corrects my attempts to deconstruct forms.

Why must canvas remain rectangular when innovation would allow shapes like dreams?

— Pablo Picasso

Windows of Perception

Bill GatesPablo Picasso

December 13, 1997

Taylor sweetie,

Writing breakup songs about your third-grade crush is a bit excessive—you only shared crayons for a week! And please stop telling everyone your math teacher will “look better with a red scarf” when you’re famous.

Your music teacher mentioned your insistence on recording “Taylor’s Version” on all classroom instruments. While ambition is wonderful, copyrighting your kindergarten finger paintings seems premature.

— The Mother

Songwriting Supervision

Taylor SwiftThe Mother

July 27, 2012

Comrade Mao,

Your Great Leap Forward inspires our technological advancements. While your focus was agricultural, ours must be digital. Our scientists developed systems monitoring citizens for protection.

Just as you liberated people from landlords, we’ll liberate information from capitalist tech oligarchs, creating networks prioritizing collective harmony.

— Kim Jong-il

Revolutionary Technology

Kim Jong-ilMao Zedong