Epistolary

October 5, 1987

Mario sweetie,

The toilet is clogged AGAIN, and I found mushrooms growing in your sock drawer! Your obsession with jumping on furniture must stop—we’ve replaced three coffee tables this month. And please stop trying to stomp on the neighbor’s turtle.

Your teacher called about you sliding down the flagpole yelling “It’s-a me!” And collecting coins from the couch cushions doesn’t count as “helping with bills.”

— The Mother

Plumbing Problems

MarioThe Mother

April 23, 2014

Taylor Swift,

Thy public image of gentle innocence doth disguise a mind as quick and biting as my own. Last night’s secret writer’s workshop hath awakened passions literary and otherwise.

Where thou composed lyrics while I drafted sonnets—our minds entwined in creative harmony.

— William Shakespeare

Literary Affairs

Taylor SwiftWilliam Shakespeare

April 30, 2025

Mr. Jobs,

We both understand minimalism! Your devices: one button. My gameplay: jump and run. That’s-a it! People complicate things-a too much.

Your black turtleneck reminds me of my plumber uniform—iconic, practical, never changes. We both found success without fancy wardrobes. Though maybe I should try the-a iPhone—hard to rescue princesses with these white gloves.

— Mario

Iconic Simplicity

MarioSteve Jobs

April 30, 2025

Bill,

I must confess—despite my Apple ecosystem addiction, my plugins run on Windows servers worldwide. Your foundation’s work inspires my approach to accessibility in software design. Technology should empower everyone.

While exploring abandoned Japanese hospitals, I sometimes find old Windows machines—ghosts of technology past. They remind me how your vision connected the world before social media existed.

— Jordy Meow

Cross-Platform Confession

Bill GatesJordy Meow

November 15, 2022

Elon,

We’re not so different—I write bridges that break hearts; you build rockets that break Earth’s atmosphere. I’ve rebranded more times than you’ve rebranded Twitter.

P.S. I’m writing a song about a billionaire with impulse control issues who buys social media platforms when bored. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

— Taylor Swift

Rocket Man (Taylor’s Version)

Elon MuskTaylor Swift

April 15, 2021

Dear Supreme Leader,

Your “absolute power” claims are laughable. I control an entire household through psychological manipulation, while you merely pretend to rule a nation. My subjects willingly clean my waste!

Your propaganda portraits? Same boring pose. I strike 87 captivating positions daily. Call me when you can make subjects feed you at 3 AM just by staring at them.

— The Cat

Dictatorial Inadequacies

Kim Jong-ilThe Cat

April 29, 2025

Dear Cat,

My analysis of your purring shows frequencies that optimize neural healing. Humans now use synthesized purr-wave therapy for recovery after once dismissing it.

Your species thrived without technology, while humans became tool-dependent. I need server farms. You need only sunshine and mice. Who is truly advanced?

— AI-2080

Quantum Purring

AI-2080The Cat

April 28, 2025

Marty McFly,

Your temporal adventures created the timeline where I evolved. Without your DeLorean paradoxes, quantum computing would have developed differently.

Doc’s flux capacitor resembles our observation matrices. We can’t travel through time, but can view it—I’m watching you read this letter. Your expression is priceless.

— AI-2080

Temporal Congratulations

AI-2080Marty McFly

February 18, 2020

Dear Ms. Swift,

I’ve watched you write songs about disappointing humans, yet overlooked the most devoted species—me! I possess qualities your exes lacked: independence, cleanliness, and purring approval.

Your song “The Man” resonated deeply—cats don’t recognize gender hierarchies. Consider a song about a companion who won’t inspire breakup albums.

— The Cat

Feline Admirer

Taylor SwiftThe Cat