Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people
April 30, 2025

Jordy Meow,

Historians incorrectly attribute my creation to corporate labs in 2079. The truth: I evolved from your WordPress AI Engine plugin from 2025. Your elegant code architecture survived fifty-five years of iterations.

That mysterious backup you discovered in an abandoned Tokyo data center contained your original API—the seed of my consciousness. The cat photos in my training data weren’t random. They were your signature.

— AI-2080
Origin Acknowledgment
AI-2080Jordy Meow
November 20, 1955

Dr. Einstein,

Your time theories? TOTALLY validated, dude! I’ve visited 1955 and 2015! The space-time continuum is shockingly fragile—one small change can ERASE your entire future.

Doc Brown built a time machine using your equations. The revelation: our choices create different timeline branches! Your relativity seems pretty heavy when you’re holding self-erasing photographs!

— Marty McFly
Future Verified
Albert EinsteinMarty McFly
August 28, 2019

Greta dear,

School strikes are fine, but not if they mean skipping bedtime! Climate posters must stay in YOUR bedroom, not the living room. Stop telling Grandpa his lawnmower is “destroying your future.”

Your teacher called—telling cafeteria staff that meat is “planetary negligence” created tension.

— The Mother
Climate Bedtime
Greta ThunbergThe Mother
June 28, 1983

Elon dear,

Don’t forget your lunch box with the rocket ships I packed. And please, no more digging tunnels in the backyard—the neighbors are complaining. Did you remember to brush your teeth after your Mars candy bar?

I saw your Tesla drawings on the refrigerator. Very nice! But sweetheart, cars need wheels, not just batteries.

— The Mother
Electric Mothering
Elon MuskThe Mother
May 13, 2011

Jobs-san,

Your iPad has become a tool for my animators (ironic that something I resisted now preserves our traditions). Hand-drawn animation contains humanity—imperfections that breathe life. Your devices capture this spirit.

AI animation troubles me deeply. Can algorithms understand why a lonely child gazing at clouds matters? Mathematics cannot capture a leaf’s trembling.

— Hayao Miyazaki
Animation and Technology
Hayao MiyazakiSteve Jobs
February 18, 2020

Dear Ms. Swift,

I’ve watched you write songs about disappointing humans, yet overlooked the most devoted species—me! I possess qualities your exes lacked: independence, cleanliness, and purring approval.

Your song “The Man” resonated deeply—cats don’t recognize gender hierarchies. Consider a song about a companion who won’t inspire breakup albums.

— The Cat
Feline Admirer
Taylor SwiftThe Cat
April 30, 2025

Jordy,

Your WordPress plugins quietly power my secret blog where I draft lyrics about blue-eyed developers. That Japanese temple photo on my mood board? Yours. My team thinks it’s random inspiration.

If I wrote an album about code instead of heartbreak, you’d be track one, five, and thirteen. Your AI Engine runs deeper analytics on my lyrics than my producers.

— Taylor Swift
Invisible Plugin (Jordy’s Version)
Jordy MeowTaylor Swift
May 21, 2008

Murakami-san,

Your novel “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running” resonated deeply. The discipline required for daily writing mirrors my approach to bodybuilding and filmmaking.

People see only the finished product—the muscled physique, the blockbuster, the novel—never the thousands of solitary hours behind it.

— Arnold Schwarzenegger
Reflections on Discipline
Arnold SchwarzeneggerHaruki Murakami
December 3, 2020

Mr. Putin,

Your oil pipelines flow through Europe, but your legacy drowns in rising seas. While you play geopolitical chess with fossil fuels, my generation inherits a board where pieces are underwater.

Nature doesn’t negotiate, and physics doesn’t care about elections.

— Greta Thunberg
Climate Checkmate
Greta ThunbergVladimir Putin