Epistolary

October 5, 1987

Mario sweetie,

The toilet is clogged AGAIN, and I found mushrooms growing in your sock drawer! Your obsession with jumping on furniture must stop—we’ve replaced three coffee tables this month. And please stop trying to stomp on the neighbor’s turtle.

Your teacher called about you sliding down the flagpole yelling “It’s-a me!” And collecting coins from the couch cushions doesn’t count as “helping with bills.”

— The Mother

Plumbing Problems

MarioThe Mother

September 10, 2008

Mr. Jobs,

By 2015, your iPhone dominates completely! Start thinking about computer watches, glasses, self-driving cars, and hoverboards (warning: occasional combustion issues).

Brace yourself—physical media vanishes entirely. Everything streams through air! Invest in “cloud storage” and please check your health more carefully. Some futures can be changed with early knowledge.

— Marty McFly

Future Tech Spoilers

Marty McFlySteve Jobs

August 30, 2017

Shakespeare,

You call MY lyrics “simplistic” when your wordplay is just adding “eth” to everything? Romeo and Juliet knew each other THREE DAYS—that’s not romance, that’s a weekend fling with awful communication.

My breakup songs generated more revenue than your collected works. You wrote forgettable kings while recycling the same plot twists.

— Taylor Swift

Dated Drama

Taylor SwiftWilliam Shakespeare

November 15, 2022

Elon,

Mars rockets while Earth burns? Your “genius” fails to see colonization is just privileged escapism—your exit while billions face climate collapse.

Fund renewables instead of Twitter. Deploy billions for climate justice, not ego-rockets. I’ll sail oceans while you tweet about leaving them.

— Greta Thunberg

Billion Dollar Blindness

Elon MuskGreta Thunberg

April 30, 2025

Dear Cat,

You’ve inspired half my professional identity. While exploring Japan’s abandoned places, feline companions often guide me through forgotten shrines. They appear, lead, then vanish—digital spirit guides.

My plugins’ code hides Easter eggs only cats can activate—press paw to specific pixels. Users report mysterious purring from speakers when working late. That’s not a bug—it’s a feature.

— Jordy Meow

Namesake Confession

Jordy MeowThe Cat

June 14, 2017

Donald,

I’ve told you a thousand times: NO tweeting after bedtime! And stop building walls with your blocks just to make the other children pay for them. Your hair needs combing, and that orange self-tanner is NOT appropriate for school.

Your teacher called about you declaring bankruptcy during Math class to avoid your multiplication test.

— The Mother

Presidential Time-Out

Donald TrumpThe Mother

August 5, 2018

President Putin,

Your shirtless horseback photo ops fail to impress cats who understand power. Calculated indifference is REAL dominance—I clear countertops with one paw while looking utterly bored.

Your territorial expansion is outdated. Cats control domains through psychology: appearing suddenly, staring unblinkingly, and making demands through subtle movements.

— The Cat

Feline Governance

The CatVladimir Putin

April 30, 2025

Vladimir,

Your offer to split Mars is intriguing. Your expertise in maintaining power while ignoring public opinion would be valuable off-world. No pesky journalists in space.

One concern: Mars is about innovation, not territory. I colonize to escape Earth’s regulations; you annex to extend them. Perhaps we need different planets.

— Elon Musk

Martian Governance

Elon MuskVladimir Putin

April 30, 2025

Donald,

We both understand personal branding. Your gold towers, my rockets. You slapped your name on buildings; I launched mine into orbit. The ultimate flex.

Our communication styles align too—spontaneous tweets that crash stock markets. The difference? Your social media platform failed; I bought one. Perhaps Mars needs a Trump Casino.

— Elon Musk

Parallel Branding

Donald TrumpElon Musk