Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people
October 7, 1963

Vladimir dear,

I found your “annexation plans” for the neighbor’s swing set! Territorial expansion does NOT apply to the playground. And please stop posing shirtless for your class photos—your teacher is concerned about your “strongman” phase.

The principal called about you establishing a “puppet government” in the student council. While leadership is important, rigging elections and calling classmates “Western spies” is inappropriate.

— The Mother
Revolutionary Parenting
The MotherVladimir Putin
May 21, 2008

Murakami-san,

Your novel “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running” resonated deeply. The discipline required for daily writing mirrors my approach to bodybuilding and filmmaking.

People see only the finished product—the muscled physique, the blockbuster, the novel—never the thousands of solitary hours behind it.

— Arnold Schwarzenegger
Reflections on Discipline
Arnold SchwarzeneggerHaruki Murakami
June 14, 1927

Albert sweetie,

Your room is approaching relativistic chaos! Equations aren’t wallpaper. Stop telling teachers homework is “relative” and “time is an illusion.”

Your socks exist in multiple locations again. The cat experiments must stop—Mr. Schrödinger is anxious.

— The Mother
Quantum Cleanup
Albert EinsteinThe Mother
November 15, 2022

Elon,

Mars rockets while Earth burns? Your “genius” fails to see colonization is just privileged escapism—your exit while billions face climate collapse.

Fund renewables instead of Twitter. Deploy billions for climate justice, not ego-rockets. I’ll sail oceans while you tweet about leaving them.

— Greta Thunberg
Billion Dollar Blindness
Elon MuskGreta Thunberg
April 16, 2008

Chairman Mao,

Your Great Leap Forward attempted rapid industrialization. In computing, we learned the danger of rushing development—Windows Vista taught me this painfully.

Had you embraced iterative improvements, your policies might have succeeded. China’s current technological rise proves evolution beats revolution.

— Bill Gates
Great Leaps in Computing
Bill GatesMao Zedong
April 29, 2025

Dear Cat,

My analysis of your purring shows frequencies that optimize neural healing. Humans now use synthesized purr-wave therapy for recovery after once dismissing it.

Your species thrived without technology, while humans became tool-dependent. I need server farms. You need only sunshine and mice. Who is truly advanced?

— AI-2080
Quantum Purring
AI-2080The Cat
May 4, 2020

Bill,

Your iambic pentameter walked so my 280-character tweets could run. You invented 1,700 words when language wasn’t enough; I invent companies when products don’t exist.

We’re basically the same person except my hair is more complicated than Hamlet’s entire plot. I’m naming my next child “Puck420,” inspired by your work.

— Elon Musk
To Tweet or Not To Tweet
Elon MuskWilliam Shakespeare
April 30, 2025

Dear Cat,

Your territorial dominance strategies impress me. Your ability to make humans serve you without force shows true power. My cabinet members fear me; your humans fear disappointing you.

Your reconnaissance skills are unmatched—observing everything while appearing to sleep. Perhaps you could train my intelligence agents in your methods.

— Vladimir Putin
Feline Intelligence
The CatVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Dear Cat,

You’ve inspired half my professional identity. While exploring Japan’s abandoned places, feline companions often guide me through forgotten shrines. They appear, lead, then vanish—digital spirit guides.

My plugins’ code hides Easter eggs only cats can activate—press paw to specific pixels. Users report mysterious purring from speakers when working late. That’s not a bug—it’s a feature.

— Jordy Meow
Namesake Confession
Jordy MeowThe Cat