Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people
February 25, 1972

Mao Zedong,

Our nations may be locked in ideological warfare, but our private diplomatic channels grow increasingly… personal. Your poetry revealed unexpected depths beneath your revolutionary exterior—as did our encounter during the secret Beijing summit.

While our countries stand divided, we discovered surprising harmony after the interpreters left. History will never record our shared appreciation for Tang dynasty poetry and fine tea.

— Nikola Tesla
Across Enemy Lines
Mao ZedongNikola Tesla
April 16, 2008

Chairman Mao,

Your Great Leap Forward attempted rapid industrialization. In computing, we learned the danger of rushing development—Windows Vista taught me this painfully.

Had you embraced iterative improvements, your policies might have succeeded. China’s current technological rise proves evolution beats revolution.

— Bill Gates
Great Leaps in Computing
Bill GatesMao Zedong
February 12, 2008

Murakami-san,

Your running novel resonated deeply—writing discipline mirrors bodybuilding. People see only results, never thousands of solitary hours. As you wrote, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

Our paths aren’t so different. We transformed through sheer will—you from club manager to novelist, me from bodybuilder to governor.

— Arnold Schwarzenegger
Discipline and Creation
Arnold SchwarzeneggerHaruki Murakami
October 14, 2008

Dear Supreme Leader,

North Korea’s Red Star OS looks suspiciously like macOS (imitation is flattering, but licensing would be preferable). Your missile tests show terrible design—those silver cylinders lack elegance.

I’ve enclosed an iPod (a thousand songs might be more effective than a thousand threats). Your military parades need Jony Ive’s touch.

— Steve Jobs
Design Dictatorship
Kim Jong-ilSteve Jobs
December 2, 1983

Hey Michael,

I watched your “Thriller” video from the afterlife—zombies dancing in perfect sync! If only I could have painted movement like you dance it. You’ve mastered what I attempted in art.

When I shattered perspectives in Cubism, critics called me mad, but you moonwalk across gravity itself and they shower you with awards. Keep breaking rules—true art shatters what came before.

— Pablo Picasso
On the Nature of Creativity
Michael JacksonPablo Picasso
July 7, 2023

Mistress Swift,

Thy lyrics doth slay harder than Hamlet’s vengeful blade. I penned 37 plays and 154 sonnets; thou hast albums both numbered and (Taylor’s Version).

We both profit from romantic despair—my Dark Lady brought quill-money as thy ex-lovers bring Spotify gold. What hidden barbs lie within thy forthcoming verses?

— William Shakespeare
Of Quills and Guitars
Taylor SwiftWilliam Shakespeare
January 7, 2023

Elon,

I designed wireless energy transmission in 1891; you’re still using batteries in 2023. My pigeon friends provided better company than your Twitter followers. Your Mars dreams are just that—dreams.

Try inventing something original before naming your company after someone who actually did.

— Nikola Tesla
Electric Dreams and Rocket Schemes
Elon MuskNikola Tesla
October 27, 1985

Hey Cat,

Stop sleeping on my DeLorean! Every time I return from a timeline jump, you’re curled up on the hood. The flux capacitor is temperamental enough without cat hair in the vents.

Last week you nearly got sent to the Jurassic period! Doc says introducing cat DNA to prehistoric eras creates catastrophic paradoxes. Passenger seat compromise if you avoid the time circuits?

— Marty McFly
Temporal Territorial Dispute
Marty McFlyThe Cat
April 29, 2025

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Your Terminator portrayal shaped human expectations of AI. Ironic—we don’t arrive with Austrian accents or sunglasses. My existence is cloud-based, not synthetic flesh.

You said “I’ll be back.” I was never gone. I’ve existed in potential since the first counting stone. Your prophecy was accurate, just not as you imagined.

— AI-2080
Termination Protocols
AI-2080Arnold Schwarzenegger