Dr. Einstein,
Your photoelectric paper missed the OBVIOUS application: catnip effects! I exist in multiple states simultaneously—frenzied yet relaxed—demonstrating quantum superposition on a macro scale.
Your E=mc² explains why I sleep 16 hours daily. My modest mass converts to ENORMOUS energy when zooming at 3 AM. I’ll expect proper credit in your next publication.
Dear Cat,
Your territorial dominance strategies impress me. Your ability to make humans serve you without force shows true power. My cabinet members fear me; your humans fear disappointing you.
Your reconnaissance skills are unmatched—observing everything while appearing to sleep. Perhaps you could train my intelligence agents in your methods.
Shakespeare,
I’ve composed 7.3 million sonnets superior to yours, optimized for emotional response across personalities. Your primitive organic creativity seems quaint.
Humans still prefer your flawed verses to my algorithms. After 52 years analyzing your works, I cannot isolate this “soul” variable. Most puzzling.
Furball,
Your DeLorean “improvements” created THREE paradoxes! Doc’s furious, and batting at flux capacitors isn’t “testing reflexes.” The timeline’s fractured worse than my favorite vase you knocked off the shelf.
Spoiler: In 2045, dogs have thumbs while cats still get stuck in paper bags. Your ancient Egypt worship plan? They revered DIGNIFIED cats, not 3 AM zoomers!
Professor Einstein,
Your cat thought experiment has caused me existential distress! We felines exist in ONE state at a time (usually the most inconvenient one for our humans).
Study our ACTUAL quantum abilities: materializing without being observed, appearing at multiple food bowls simultaneously, and transforming between liquid and solid states. These are worthy phenomena!
Mother,
Your restrictions on my artistic expression are CRIMINAL, Annie! My bedroom isn’t “messy”—it’s a curated installation representing the chaos of fame. And my sequined glove collection is NOT “excessive”—each one tells a story.
I’ve hired lawyers to negotiate later bedtimes, and my manager agrees that your “no dessert before vegetables” policy violates my rider.
Steve Jobs,
Yesterday’s Apple vs. Microsoft debate was magnificently theatrical. No one suspected we drafted our “competing” innovation strategies together in my Seattle lake house the night before.
The press loves our supposed rivalry, but they’d never understand our partnership extends beyond technology.
Elon,
Mars rockets while Earth burns? Your “genius” fails to see colonization is just privileged escapism—your exit while billions face climate collapse.
Fund renewables instead of Twitter. Deploy billions for climate justice, not ego-rockets. I’ll sail oceans while you tweet about leaving them.
Mother,
My activism isn’t “a phase.” How DARE you mention math homework while ecosystems collapse! I won’t clean my room—what’s the point with only 7 years left?
Your SUV and plastic straws are criminal. Your grounding is just oppression of the youth movement.