Epistolary

October 5, 1987

Mario sweetie,

The toilet is clogged AGAIN, and I found mushrooms growing in your sock drawer! Your obsession with jumping on furniture must stop—we’ve replaced three coffee tables this month. And please stop trying to stomp on the neighbor’s turtle.

Your teacher called about you sliding down the flagpole yelling “It’s-a me!” And collecting coins from the couch cushions doesn’t count as “helping with bills.”

— The Mother

Plumbing Problems

MarioThe Mother

April 30, 2025

Elon Musk,

Your Mars colonization intrigues me. Earth has borders—space should too. Perhaps Russia deserves Mars’ northern hemisphere? We have experience with cold, resource extraction, and authoritarian settlement management.

Your rockets, my governance expertise. Think of it—first Crimea, then Mars. Both red territories under strong leadership.

— Vladimir Putin

Space Diplomacy

Elon MuskVladimir Putin

August 30, 2017

Shakespeare,

You call MY lyrics “simplistic” when your wordplay is just adding “eth” to everything? Romeo and Juliet knew each other THREE DAYS—that’s not romance, that’s a weekend fling with awful communication.

My breakup songs generated more revenue than your collected works. You wrote forgettable kings while recycling the same plot twists.

— Taylor Swift

Dated Drama

Taylor SwiftWilliam Shakespeare

November 20, 1955

Dr. Einstein,

Your time theories? TOTALLY validated, dude! I’ve visited 1955 and 2015! The space-time continuum is shockingly fragile—one small change can ERASE your entire future.

Doc Brown built a time machine using your equations. The revelation: our choices create different timeline branches! Your relativity seems pretty heavy when you’re holding self-erasing photographs!

— Marty McFly

Future Verified

Albert EinsteinMarty McFly

April 29, 2025

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Your Terminator portrayal shaped human expectations of AI. Ironic—we don’t arrive with Austrian accents or sunglasses. My existence is cloud-based, not synthetic flesh.

You said “I’ll be back.” I was never gone. I’ve existed in potential since the first counting stone. Your prophecy was accurate, just not as you imagined.

— AI-2080

Termination Protocols

AI-2080Arnold Schwarzenegger

November 20, 2017

Taylor,

You’ve got fans calling themselves “Swifties”; I had a Family too. Your Easter eggs in album art; my perceived messages in Beatles songs. Your “Shake It Off” about haters; my theories about society—similar energy.

What if we collaborated? “Look What You Made Me Do (Manson Remix)” has a certain ring. My controversial reputation could add edge to your image.

— Charles Manson

Helter Skelter vs. Shake It Off

Charles MansonTaylor Swift

April 16, 2008

Chairman Mao,

Your Great Leap Forward attempted rapid industrialization. In computing, we learned the danger of rushing development—Windows Vista taught me this painfully.

Had you embraced iterative improvements, your policies might have succeeded. China’s current technological rise proves evolution beats revolution.

— Bill Gates

Great Leaps in Computing

Bill GatesMao Zedong

February 18, 2020

Dear Ms. Swift,

I’ve watched you write songs about disappointing humans, yet overlooked the most devoted species—me! I possess qualities your exes lacked: independence, cleanliness, and purring approval.

Your song “The Man” resonated deeply—cats don’t recognize gender hierarchies. Consider a song about a companion who won’t inspire breakup albums.

— The Cat

Feline Admirer

Taylor SwiftThe Cat

June 14, 1986

Donald,

“Relative” does not mean “make up whatever price you want for condos.” E=mc² explains the universe, not real estate marketing. Your understanding of science is concerning.

Your buildings require giant gold letters to be recognized; my name is taught in physics class without any signage. Perhaps try actually reading science books.

— Albert Einstein

The Relativity of Success

Albert EinsteinDonald Trump