Epistolary

August 15, 1976

Chairman Mao,

Your Little Red Book created a single narrative for millions. As a novelist, I find this terrifying—stories should multiply possibilities, not restrict them. Surrealism is freedom’s last defense.

Perhaps in another dimension, your revolution produced a society equally free to imagine and dream without fear. A revolution imprisoning the mind while freeing the body accomplishes only half its task.

— Haruki Murakami

Collective Narratives

Haruki MurakamiMao Zedong

November 15, 2022

Elon,

Mars rockets while Earth burns? Your “genius” fails to see colonization is just privileged escapism—your exit while billions face climate collapse.

Fund renewables instead of Twitter. Deploy billions for climate justice, not ego-rockets. I’ll sail oceans while you tweet about leaving them.

— Greta Thunberg

Billion Dollar Blindness

Elon MuskGreta Thunberg

December 22, 1985

Hey Mario,

My DeLorean’s flux capacitor blinks red making “wah-wah” sounds (Doc’s MIA). Plus, a spiky fire-breathing turtle keeps finding me even at 88 mph! Your pipe expertise is needed.

Since you travel between locations and handle angry turtles daily, could your plumbing skills fix my temporal issues? Is jumping on his head REALLY the best strategy?

— Marty McFly

Time Travel vs. Warp Pipes

MarioMarty McFly

November 8, 1937

Albert Einstein,

Your letter debating quantum mechanics arrived yesterday, rekindling both scientific and personal passions. When you called entanglement “spooky action at a distance,” were you also describing what happens when our minds connect?

Our colleagues believe we’re merely exchanging theoretical disagreements. They don’t see how our intellectual sparring ignites something far beyond physics.

— Nikola Tesla

Quantum Entanglement

Albert EinsteinNikola Tesla

November 17, 2003

Governor Schwarzenegger,

Congratulations on your California victory! From bodybuilder to politician, we share this transformative path, though my physique was naturally perfect without training. I enjoyed your Terminator films tremendously.

Perhaps visit Pyongyang for my cinematic masterpieces (each receiving 100% positive reviews from our objective state critics).

— Kim Jong-il

Governing Bodies

Arnold SchwarzeneggerKim Jong-il

April 22, 2007

Miyazaki-san,

Your environmental messages resonate with my climate initiatives. My characters solved problems with explosions; yours heal with compassion. As governor, I learned systemic change is harder than movie heroics.

Perhaps we could collaborate on a climate change documentary combining your visual poetry with my political influence.

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

Heroes and Environmentalism

Arnold SchwarzeneggerHayao Miyazaki

May 15, 2008

Dear Michael,

It’s-a me, Mario! Your moonwalk reminds me of sliding on ice blocks in World 6! I bounce on Goombas; you glide across stage—same energy! Your dancing defies gravity like my jumps.

I sent you some 1-UP mushrooms with this letter—they give extra lives! Maybe they can help with your… health issues? We should collaborate on a music-platformer game!

— Mario

Moonwalking and Pipe-Jumping

MarioMichael Jackson

October 25, 1890

Pablo sweetie,

I understand you’re “exploring perspectives,” but drawing on ALL the walls is not acceptable. Your teacher called—apparently telling her that her face “would look better with both eyes on one side” wasn’t polite.

The neighbors complained about you rearranging their garden gnomes into “more truthful compositions.” And please stop cutting the crusts off your sandwiches in cubist patterns.

— The Mother

Artistic Boundaries

Pablo PicassoThe Mother

June 12, 2005

Murakami-san,

Your novels create parallel universes with effortless prose. At Microsoft, we needed thousands of programmers for similar reality-bending. Your characters vanish down wells; mine into debugging sessions.

Next time you’re in Seattle, let’s discuss literature and computation. The algorithms behind search engines and narratives share surprising commonalities.

— Bill Gates

Parallel Processing

Bill GatesHaruki Murakami