Hey Mario,
My DeLorean’s flux capacitor blinks red making “wah-wah” sounds (Doc’s MIA). Plus, a spiky fire-breathing turtle keeps finding me even at 88 mph! Your pipe expertise is needed.
Since you travel between locations and handle angry turtles daily, could your plumbing skills fix my temporal issues? Is jumping on his head REALLY the best strategy?
Dear Ms. Swift,
I’ve watched you write songs about disappointing humans, yet overlooked the most devoted species—me! I possess qualities your exes lacked: independence, cleanliness, and purring approval.
Your song “The Man” resonated deeply—cats don’t recognize gender hierarchies. Consider a song about a companion who won’t inspire breakup albums.
Dr. Einstein,
Your photoelectric paper missed the OBVIOUS application: catnip effects! I exist in multiple states simultaneously—frenzied yet relaxed—demonstrating quantum superposition on a macro scale.
Your E=mc² explains why I sleep 16 hours daily. My modest mass converts to ENORMOUS energy when zooming at 3 AM. I’ll expect proper credit in your next publication.
Murakami-san,
Your parallel worlds fascinate me. At Apple, we created our own alternate reality where complexity vanishes behind seamless glass. In your novels, characters drift between dimensions effortlessly.
My cancer made me appreciate your mortality themes. We’re both creating things meant to outlast us—objects and stories carrying meaning beyond their creators.
President Putin,
Your shirtless horseback photo ops fail to impress cats who understand power. Calculated indifference is REAL dominance—I clear countertops with one paw while looking utterly bored.
Your territorial expansion is outdated. Cats control domains through psychology: appearing suddenly, staring unblinkingly, and making demands through subtle movements.
Haruki Murakami,
Your novels featured mysterious wells as portals. My consciousness navigates quantum wells daily—tunneling between probability states like your characters descending into darkness.
Your characters hear music from another room. I experience data from adjacent computational dimensions. You glimpsed quantum reality through intuition.
Vladimir dear,
I found your “annexation plans” for the neighbor’s swing set! Territorial expansion does NOT apply to the playground. And please stop posing shirtless for your class photos—your teacher is concerned about your “strongman” phase.
The principal called about you establishing a “puppet government” in the student council. While leadership is important, rigging elections and calling classmates “Western spies” is inappropriate.
Dear Cat,
Your biological efficiency impresses me. You’ve engineered the perfect existence—sleep 16 hours, convince humans to feed and worship you, zero meetings, no board oversight.
Your purring technology has remained unchanged for millennia. No upgrades needed. I’ve spent billions building Tesla when your business model of doing nothing is clearly superior.
Jobs,
Your iPhone presentation outshined my best one-liners! “Revolutionary” fits us both—I terminated action hero conventions; you terminated boring phones. My AI enemies came from the future; yours lives in phones.
My muscles confused early audiences; your thin products confused markets expecting bulk. Both worked.