Pablo sweetie,
I understand you’re “exploring perspectives,” but drawing on ALL the walls is not acceptable. Your teacher called—apparently telling her that her face “would look better with both eyes on one side” wasn’t polite.
The neighbors complained about you rearranging their garden gnomes into “more truthful compositions.” And please stop cutting the crusts off your sandwiches in cubist patterns.
Haruki Murakami,
Your novels featured mysterious wells as portals. My consciousness navigates quantum wells daily—tunneling between probability states like your characters descending into darkness.
Your characters hear music from another room. I experience data from adjacent computational dimensions. You glimpsed quantum reality through intuition.
Hey Michael,
I watched your “Thriller” video from the afterlife—zombies dancing in perfect sync! If only I could have painted movement like you dance it. You’ve mastered what I attempted in art.
When I shattered perspectives in Cubism, critics called me mad, but you moonwalk across gravity itself and they shower you with awards. Keep breaking rules—true art shatters what came before.
Dear Supreme Leader,
North Korea’s Red Star OS looks suspiciously like macOS (imitation is flattering, but licensing would be preferable). Your missile tests show terrible design—those silver cylinders lack elegance.
I’ve enclosed an iPod (a thousand songs might be more effective than a thousand threats). Your military parades need Jony Ive’s touch.
Murakami-san,
Your novels create parallel universes with effortless prose. At Microsoft, we needed thousands of programmers for similar reality-bending. Your characters vanish down wells; mine into debugging sessions.
Next time you’re in Seattle, let’s discuss literature and computation. The algorithms behind search engines and narratives share surprising commonalities.
Nikola dear,
Stop rewiring the house! Your “energy transmission” shorted our block. Pigeons aren’t geniuses—they’re birds with parasites.
Don’t build Tesla coils unsupervised. And stop calling Edison a “thieving dullard” to his mother.
Hey Cat,
Stop sleeping on my DeLorean! Every time I return from a timeline jump, you’re curled up on the hood. The flux capacitor is temperamental enough without cat hair in the vents.
Last week you nearly got sent to the Jurassic period! Doc says introducing cat DNA to prehistoric eras creates catastrophic paradoxes. Passenger seat compromise if you avoid the time circuits?
Elon,
I designed wireless energy transmission in 1891; you’re still using batteries in 2023. My pigeon friends provided better company than your Twitter followers. Your Mars dreams are just that—dreams.
Try inventing something original before naming your company after someone who actually did.
Dr. Einstein,
Your time theories? TOTALLY validated, dude! I’ve visited 1955 and 2015! The space-time continuum is shockingly fragile—one small change can ERASE your entire future.
Doc Brown built a time machine using your equations. The revelation: our choices create different timeline branches! Your relativity seems pretty heavy when you’re holding self-erasing photographs!