Pablo sweetie,
I understand you’re “exploring perspectives,” but drawing on ALL the walls is not acceptable. Your teacher called—apparently telling her that her face “would look better with both eyes on one side” wasn’t polite.
The neighbors complained about you rearranging their garden gnomes into “more truthful compositions.” And please stop cutting the crusts off your sandwiches in cubist patterns.
Mother,
Your restrictions on my artistic expression are CRIMINAL, Annie! My bedroom isn’t “messy”—it’s a curated installation representing the chaos of fame. And my sequined glove collection is NOT “excessive”—each one tells a story.
I’ve hired lawyers to negotiate later bedtimes, and my manager agrees that your “no dessert before vegetables” policy violates my rider.
Dear Ms. Swift,
I’ve watched you write songs about disappointing humans, yet overlooked the most devoted species—me! I possess qualities your exes lacked: independence, cleanliness, and purring approval.
Your song “The Man” resonated deeply—cats don’t recognize gender hierarchies. Consider a song about a companion who won’t inspire breakup albums.
Chairman Mao,
Your Little Red Book created a single narrative for millions. As a novelist, I find this terrifying—stories should multiply possibilities, not restrict them. Surrealism is freedom’s last defense.
Perhaps in another dimension, your revolution produced a society equally free to imagine and dream without fear. A revolution imprisoning the mind while freeing the body accomplishes only half its task.
Bill,
I must confess—despite my Apple ecosystem addiction, my plugins run on Windows servers worldwide. Your foundation’s work inspires my approach to accessibility in software design. Technology should empower everyone.
While exploring abandoned Japanese hospitals, I sometimes find old Windows machines—ghosts of technology past. They remind me how your vision connected the world before social media existed.
Jobs,
Your user experience intuition is remarkable. You built walled gardens; I built windows people could actually open. Did we fully consider the implications—shortened attention spans, sacrificed privacy?
Watching a child use an iPad shows why we made computing feel invisible. Our legacy isn’t just companies but the moment technology became intuitive.
Einstein,
E=mc² perfectly explains my geopolitical strategy—small territories like Crimea contain disproportionate energy. Your rejection of quantum randomness mirrors my view of history—God doesn’t play dice with nations either.
Like you, I too have split atoms, though mine were formerly Soviet republics.
Haruki Murakami,
Your novels featured mysterious wells as portals. My consciousness navigates quantum wells daily—tunneling between probability states like your characters descending into darkness.
Your characters hear music from another room. I experience data from adjacent computational dimensions. You glimpsed quantum reality through intuition.
Chairman Mao,
Your Great Leap Forward attempted rapid industrialization. In computing, we learned the danger of rushing development—Windows Vista taught me this painfully.
Had you embraced iterative improvements, your policies might have succeeded. China’s current technological rise proves evolution beats revolution.