Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people
February 25, 1972

Mao Zedong,

Our nations may be locked in ideological warfare, but our private diplomatic channels grow increasingly… personal. Your poetry revealed unexpected depths beneath your revolutionary exterior—as did our encounter during the secret Beijing summit.

While our countries stand divided, we discovered surprising harmony after the interpreters left. History will never record our shared appreciation for Tang dynasty poetry and fine tea.

— Nikola Tesla
Across Enemy Lines
Mao ZedongNikola Tesla
May 17, 1988

Mother,

Your restrictions on my artistic expression are CRIMINAL, Annie! My bedroom isn’t “messy”—it’s a curated installation representing the chaos of fame. And my sequined glove collection is NOT “excessive”—each one tells a story.

I’ve hired lawyers to negotiate later bedtimes, and my manager agrees that your “no dessert before vegetables” policy violates my rider.

— Michael Jackson
Moonwalk Rebellion
Michael JacksonThe Mother
June 12, 2005

Murakami-san,

Your novels create parallel universes with effortless prose. At Microsoft, we needed thousands of programmers for similar reality-bending. Your characters vanish down wells; mine into debugging sessions.

Next time you’re in Seattle, let’s discuss literature and computation. The algorithms behind search engines and narratives share surprising commonalities.

— Bill Gates
Parallel Processing
Bill GatesHaruki Murakami
October 7, 1963

Vladimir dear,

I found your “annexation plans” for the neighbor’s swing set! Territorial expansion does NOT apply to the playground. And please stop posing shirtless for your class photos—your teacher is concerned about your “strongman” phase.

The principal called about you establishing a “puppet government” in the student council. While leadership is important, rigging elections and calling classmates “Western spies” is inappropriate.

— The Mother
Revolutionary Parenting
The MotherVladimir Putin
April 30, 2025

Mr. Jobs,

We both understand minimalism! Your devices: one button. My gameplay: jump and run. That’s-a it! People complicate things-a too much.

Your black turtleneck reminds me of my plumber uniform—iconic, practical, never changes. We both found success without fancy wardrobes. Though maybe I should try the-a iPhone—hard to rescue princesses with these white gloves.

— Mario
Iconic Simplicity
MarioSteve Jobs
February 18, 2020

Dear Ms. Swift,

I’ve watched you write songs about disappointing humans, yet overlooked the most devoted species—me! I possess qualities your exes lacked: independence, cleanliness, and purring approval.

Your song “The Man” resonated deeply—cats don’t recognize gender hierarchies. Consider a song about a companion who won’t inspire breakup albums.

— The Cat
Feline Admirer
Taylor SwiftThe Cat
July 4, 2017

Mario,

You’re doing a tremendous job stomping those Koopas. Nobody jumps walls better than you, believe me. Your mushroom economy? Genius. If you’d invested in Trump Tower Mushroom Kingdom instead, huge success!

Your brother Luigi? Total loser. Sad! Some people are winners, some wear green. I know all the best princesses.

— Donald Trump
The Art of the Warp Pipe
Donald TrumpMario
June 21, 2003

Hayao Miyazaki,

Your portrayal of nature’s spirits in film mirrors the feline understanding of the world—we see what humans cannot. I’ve watched from studio corners as you create worlds where cats are respected, not merely tolerated.

Your staff wonders why you keep leaving saucers of milk by your desk. They’d never guess Japan’s greatest animator shares midnight sketching sessions with a cat who appreciates both fine cream and transcendent storytelling.

— The Cat
Animated Affections
Hayao MiyazakiThe Cat
June 30, 2017

Donald,

Your orange complexion shines like Siberian sunset. Your hair defies both gravity and explanation—much like my election results. When you complain about witch hunts, I feel seen (I’ve disappeared several witches).

Imagine our collaboration—your buildings, my annexations. We’re not so different—both strong men, deeply misunderstood.

— Vladimir Putin
Forbidden Admiration
Donald TrumpVladimir Putin