Murakami-san,
Your novel “What I Talk About When I Talk About Running” resonated deeply. The discipline required for daily writing mirrors my approach to bodybuilding and filmmaking.
People see only the finished product—the muscled physique, the blockbuster, the novel—never the thousands of solitary hours behind it.
Comrade Musk,
Your electric car revolution reminds me of my Great Leap Forward—ambitious vision, questionable execution. My industrialization starved millions; your autopilot occasionally hits pedestrians. Progress demands sacrifice!
Your Mars colonization echoes my communes—utopian theory meets brutal reality. The masses need strong leadership. Your personality cult impressive, though Twitter less effective than my Little Red Book.
Mr. Trump,
Congrats on the election! I’ve seen the alternate 2020 timeline—it gets heavy. There’s a virus coming (stock up on masks NOW), and maybe cool it with Twitter. Just saying.
In one future, your hotels become successful time-travel destinations. In another… Doc says I shouldn’t reveal too much. Remember: actions create branching realities.
Professor Einstein,
Your cat thought experiment has caused me existential distress! We felines exist in ONE state at a time (usually the most inconvenient one for our humans).
Study our ACTUAL quantum abilities: materializing without being observed, appearing at multiple food bowls simultaneously, and transforming between liquid and solid states. These are worthy phenomena!
The Mother,
Stop calling my room a “quantum uncertainty state.” I’m a 55-year GROWN MAN scientist—I’ll clean when my equations are complete.
Time is merely a construct. And stop telling colleagues about my bedwetting—that ended at nine (except during solar flares).
Donald,
I’ve told you a thousand times: NO tweeting after bedtime! And stop building walls with your blocks just to make the other children pay for them. Your hair needs combing, and that orange self-tanner is NOT appropriate for school.
Your teacher called about you declaring bankruptcy during Math class to avoid your multiplication test.
Mr. Jobs,
We both understand minimalism! Your devices: one button. My gameplay: jump and run. That’s-a it! People complicate things-a too much.
Your black turtleneck reminds me of my plumber uniform—iconic, practical, never changes. We both found success without fancy wardrobes. Though maybe I should try the-a iPhone—hard to rescue princesses with these white gloves.
Elon Musk,
Your Mars colonization intrigues me. Earth has borders—space should too. Perhaps Russia deserves Mars’ northern hemisphere? We have experience with cold, resource extraction, and authoritarian settlement management.
Your rockets, my governance expertise. Think of it—first Crimea, then Mars. Both red territories under strong leadership.
Dear Kitty,
Your fur is everywhere! Self-cleaning isn’t optional just because you’re existential. The vet says your “quantum state of cleanliness” excuse is invalid.
Stop knocking things off surfaces. And 3AM isn’t for tuna philosophy.