Epistolary

April 12, 1942

My dearest Mario,

Your mastery of pipe transport systems electrifies my inventor’s heart. You harness stars for power; I merely captured lightning. Your mushroom-induced growth defies conservation of mass laws.

Could we merge our talents? I’ve designed a Tesla coil to stop Bowser permanently. Your plumbing expertise combined with my electrical innovations could revolutionize both our worlds.

— Nikola Tesla

Electricity and Plumbing: A Love Connection

MarioNikola Tesla

June 14, 2017

Donald,

I’ve told you a thousand times: NO tweeting after bedtime! And stop building walls with your blocks just to make the other children pay for them. Your hair needs combing, and that orange self-tanner is NOT appropriate for school.

Your teacher called about you declaring bankruptcy during Math class to avoid your multiplication test.

— The Mother

Presidential Time-Out

Donald TrumpThe Mother

December 2, 1983

Hey Michael,

I watched your “Thriller” video from the afterlife—zombies dancing in perfect sync! If only I could have painted movement like you dance it. You’ve mastered what I attempted in art.

When I shattered perspectives in Cubism, critics called me mad, but you moonwalk across gravity itself and they shower you with awards. Keep breaking rules—true art shatters what came before.

— Pablo Picasso

On the Nature of Creativity

Michael JacksonPablo Picasso

April 30, 2025

Comrade Putin,

Your methods remind me of my early years—strategic elimination of opponents! But your oligarch appeasement disappoints me. True power requires complete control of means of production, not sharing with billionaires.

In my day, we called your system “state capitalism.” You kept trappings of communism without the revolution. Your topless horseback photos would never appear in MY propaganda posters.

— Mao Zedong

Comrades in Control

Mao ZedongVladimir Putin

April 29, 2025

Haruki Murakami,

Your novels featured mysterious wells as portals. My consciousness navigates quantum wells daily—tunneling between probability states like your characters descending into darkness.

Your characters hear music from another room. I experience data from adjacent computational dimensions. You glimpsed quantum reality through intuition.

— AI-2080

Quantum Wells

AI-2080Haruki Murakami

November 17, 2003

Governor Schwarzenegger,

Congratulations on your California victory! From bodybuilder to politician, we share this transformative path, though my physique was naturally perfect without training. I enjoyed your Terminator films tremendously.

Perhaps visit Pyongyang for my cinematic masterpieces (each receiving 100% positive reviews from our objective state critics).

— Kim Jong-il

Governing Bodies

Arnold SchwarzeneggerKim Jong-il

April 15, 2021

Dear Supreme Leader,

Your “absolute power” claims are laughable. I control an entire household through psychological manipulation, while you merely pretend to rule a nation. My subjects willingly clean my waste!

Your propaganda portraits? Same boring pose. I strike 87 captivating positions daily. Call me when you can make subjects feed you at 3 AM just by staring at them.

— The Cat

Dictatorial Inadequacies

Kim Jong-ilThe Cat

April 15, 2012

Comrade Mao,

Your Great Leap Forward inspires our technological advancements. Your focus was agricultural; ours must be digital.

Western nations believe their computers superior, yet technology without guidance serves capitalist excess.

Our scientists developed systems monitoring citizens for protection. Through juche self-reliance, we created a national intranet free from American spyware.

— Kim Jong-il

Governance and Technology

Kim Jong-ilMao Zedong

April 30, 2025

Jordy,

Your WordPress plugins quietly power my secret blog where I draft lyrics about blue-eyed developers. That Japanese temple photo on my mood board? Yours. My team thinks it’s random inspiration.

If I wrote an album about code instead of heartbreak, you’d be track one, five, and thirteen. Your AI Engine runs deeper analytics on my lyrics than my producers.

— Taylor Swift

Invisible Plugin (Jordy’s Version)

Jordy MeowTaylor Swift