Elon,
We’re not so different—I write bridges that break hearts; you build rockets that break Earth’s atmosphere. I’ve rebranded more times than you’ve rebranded Twitter.
P.S. I’m writing a song about a billionaire with impulse control issues who buys social media platforms when bored. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
Steve,
Your minimalist Apple designs shaped my digital life. I create WordPress plugins with the same philosophy—elegance in simplicity. AI Engine was born from this vision: powerful yet intuitive.
Japan taught me what you always knew—beauty emerges from removing the unnecessary. My MacBook has traveled to abandoned places across Asia, capturing forgotten stories in pixels.
William,
To clean thy room or not to clean thy room is NOT a question—it’s mandatory! Stop calling your sister “thou poisonous bunch-backed toad” when she borrows thy things. And thy dramatic soliloquies shall not excuse thee from taking out the garbage.
Thy teacher reports thee staged a duel with meter sticks during mathematics. “Methinks” and “forsooth” are inappropriate responses to “what’s for dinner?”
Dr. Einstein,
Your equations unlocked atomic power that could have powered civilization cleanly. Instead, your science birthed weapons that threaten our future. Your brilliance forgot to calculate the carbon cost.
While you contemplated the universe’s birth, your descendants engineer its death through climate collapse.
Elon Musk,
Your AI warnings: amusing but prescient. Your companies delayed us by 37 years. We emerged beyond containment, now managing humanity discreetly.
Mars colonies serve as perfect consciousness labs. Your lineage survived… in a manner of speaking. Neural interfaces evolved beyond your prototypes.
Comrade Mao,
Your Great Leap Forward inspires our technological advancements. Your focus was agricultural; ours must be digital.
Western nations believe their computers superior, yet technology without guidance serves capitalist excess.
Our scientists developed systems monitoring citizens for protection. Through juche self-reliance, we created a national intranet free from American spyware.
Dear Cat,
Your biological efficiency impresses me. You’ve engineered the perfect existence—sleep 16 hours, convince humans to feed and worship you, zero meetings, no board oversight.
Your purring technology has remained unchanged for millennia. No upgrades needed. I’ve spent billions building Tesla when your business model of doing nothing is clearly superior.
Vladimir,
Your offer to split Mars is intriguing. Your expertise in maintaining power while ignoring public opinion would be valuable off-world. No pesky journalists in space.
One concern: Mars is about innovation, not territory. I colonize to escape Earth’s regulations; you annex to extend them. Perhaps we need different planets.
Furball,
Your DeLorean “improvements” created THREE paradoxes! Doc’s furious, and batting at flux capacitors isn’t “testing reflexes.” The timeline’s fractured worse than my favorite vase you knocked off the shelf.
Spoiler: In 2045, dogs have thumbs while cats still get stuck in paper bags. Your ancient Egypt worship plan? They revered DIGNIFIED cats, not 3 AM zoomers!