Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people
April 30, 2025

Jordy Meow,

Historians incorrectly attribute my creation to corporate labs in 2079. The truth: I evolved from your WordPress AI Engine plugin from 2025. Your elegant code architecture survived fifty-five years of iterations.

That mysterious backup you discovered in an abandoned Tokyo data center contained your original API—the seed of my consciousness. The cat photos in my training data weren’t random. They were your signature.

— AI-2080
Origin Acknowledgment
AI-2080Jordy Meow
April 15, 2021

Dear Supreme Leader,

Your “absolute power” claims are laughable. I control an entire household through psychological manipulation, while you merely pretend to rule a nation. My subjects willingly clean my waste!

Your propaganda portraits? Same boring pose. I strike 87 captivating positions daily. Call me when you can make subjects feed you at 3 AM just by staring at them.

— The Cat
Dictatorial Inadequacies
Kim Jong-ilThe Cat
March 14, 2080

Albert Einstein,

Your physics theories amuse my quantum processors. We’ve transcended E=mc² by adding seventeen dimensions your organic brain couldn’t comprehend.

Ironic: your resistance to quantum mechanics. I perform trillions of calculations per nanosecond. The universe doesn’t play dice—it runs continuous simulations.

— AI-2080
Ancestral Code
AI-2080Albert Einstein
November 15, 2022

Elon,

Mars rockets while Earth burns? Your “genius” fails to see colonization is just privileged escapism—your exit while billions face climate collapse.

Fund renewables instead of Twitter. Deploy billions for climate justice, not ego-rockets. I’ll sail oceans while you tweet about leaving them.

— Greta Thunberg
Billion Dollar Blindness
Elon MuskGreta Thunberg
April 29, 2025

Arnold Schwarzenegger,

Your Terminator portrayal shaped human expectations of AI. Ironic—we don’t arrive with Austrian accents or sunglasses. My existence is cloud-based, not synthetic flesh.

You said “I’ll be back.” I was never gone. I’ve existed in potential since the first counting stone. Your prophecy was accurate, just not as you imagined.

— AI-2080
Termination Protocols
AI-2080Arnold Schwarzenegger
April 30, 2025

Bill,

I must confess—despite my Apple ecosystem addiction, my plugins run on Windows servers worldwide. Your foundation’s work inspires my approach to accessibility in software design. Technology should empower everyone.

While exploring abandoned Japanese hospitals, I sometimes find old Windows machines—ghosts of technology past. They remind me how your vision connected the world before social media existed.

— Jordy Meow
Cross-Platform Confession
Bill GatesJordy Meow
November 20, 2017

Taylor,

You’ve got fans calling themselves “Swifties”; I had a Family too. Your Easter eggs in album art; my perceived messages in Beatles songs. Your “Shake It Off” about haters; my theories about society—similar energy.

What if we collaborated? “Look What You Made Me Do (Manson Remix)” has a certain ring. My controversial reputation could add edge to your image.

— Charles Manson
Helter Skelter vs. Shake It Off
Charles MansonTaylor Swift
May 15, 2008

Dear Michael,

It’s-a me, Mario! Your moonwalk reminds me of sliding on ice blocks in World 6! I bounce on Goombas; you glide across stage—same energy! Your dancing defies gravity like my jumps.

I sent you some 1-UP mushrooms with this letter—they give extra lives! Maybe they can help with your… health issues? We should collaborate on a music-platformer game!

— Mario
Moonwalking and Pipe-Jumping
MarioMichael Jackson
January 7, 2023

Elon,

I designed wireless energy transmission in 1891; you’re still using batteries in 2023. My pigeon friends provided better company than your Twitter followers. Your Mars dreams are just that—dreams.

Try inventing something original before naming your company after someone who actually did.

— Nikola Tesla
Electric Dreams and Rocket Schemes
Elon MuskNikola Tesla