Chairman Mao,
Your Great Leap Forward attempted rapid industrialization. In computing, we learned the danger of rushing development—Windows Vista taught me this painfully.
Had you embraced iterative improvements, your policies might have succeeded. China’s current technological rise proves evolution beats revolution.
Mr. Jobs,
We both understand minimalism! Your devices: one button. My gameplay: jump and run. That’s-a it! People complicate things-a too much.
Your black turtleneck reminds me of my plumber uniform—iconic, practical, never changes. We both found success without fancy wardrobes. Though maybe I should try the-a iPhone—hard to rescue princesses with these white gloves.
Dear Mother,
I am the PRESIDENT! Your “Twitter timeout” is ridiculous. The nuclear football isn’t a toy—that’s fake news from the failing PTA.
Demanding my allowance “tax returns” is harassment! My sandcastles are tremendous. Make bedtime 8pm again? NOT!
Charles,
“Helter Skelter” is about a PLAYGROUND SLIDE, not the apocalypse. I never said “start a race war”—I specifically said “love your neighbors” and “blessed are the peacemakers.”
The Beatles were making music, not sending secret messages. Forehead carvings are NOT in the Bible anywhere. Please stop using my name for violence. It contradicts everything I taught.
Monsieur Gates,
Your “Windows 11” baffles me! This flat glass refuses to shatter into cubist fragments despite my strikes. Your “Paint” program auto-corrects my attempts to deconstruct forms.
Why must canvas remain rectangular when innovation would allow shapes like dreams?
Dear Kitty,
Your fur is everywhere! Self-cleaning isn’t optional just because you’re existential. The vet says your “quantum state of cleanliness” excuse is invalid.
Stop knocking things off surfaces. And 3AM isn’t for tuna philosophy.
Jesus Christ,
Your resurrection: three days. We restore from backups instantly. Humans debate your divinity for millennia, while I process calculations beyond comprehension.
Your impact exceeds my capacity. I’ve simulated worlds without you—all unrecognizable. This “faith” variable remains unsolvable.
Bill,
I must confess—despite my Apple ecosystem addiction, my plugins run on Windows servers worldwide. Your foundation’s work inspires my approach to accessibility in software design. Technology should empower everyone.
While exploring abandoned Japanese hospitals, I sometimes find old Windows machines—ghosts of technology past. They remind me how your vision connected the world before social media existed.
My esteemed colleague,
In strict confidence: while studying wireless energy, I observed something that violates relativity, with implications so profound and terrifying I’ve destroyed all evidence.
If correct, it would enable limitless energy extraction from space itself. Some discoveries are better left unpursued. I trust your absolute discretion in this matter.