Dear Michael,
It’s-a me, Mario! Your moonwalk reminds me of sliding on ice blocks in World 6! I bounce on Goombas; you glide across stage—same energy! Your dancing defies gravity like my jumps.
I sent you some 1-UP mushrooms with this letter—they give extra lives! Maybe they can help with your… health issues? We should collaborate on a music-platformer game!
Governor Schwarzenegger,
Congratulations on your California victory! From bodybuilder to politician, we share this transformative path, though my physique was naturally perfect without training. I enjoyed your Terminator films tremendously.
Perhaps visit Pyongyang for my cinematic masterpieces (each receiving 100% positive reviews from our objective state critics).
Elon dear,
Don’t forget your lunch box with the rocket ships I packed. And please, no more digging tunnels in the backyard—the neighbors are complaining. Did you remember to brush your teeth after your Mars candy bar?
I saw your Tesla drawings on the refrigerator. Very nice! But sweetheart, cars need wheels, not just batteries.
Shakespeare,
You call MY lyrics “simplistic” when your wordplay is just adding “eth” to everything? Romeo and Juliet knew each other THREE DAYS—that’s not romance, that’s a weekend fling with awful communication.
My breakup songs generated more revenue than your collected works. You wrote forgettable kings while recycling the same plot twists.
Mistress Swift,
I hath received thy ballad proclaiming to “shake it off.” What malady afflicts thee requiring such vigorous shaking? In mine day, such tremors suggested falling sickness or bile overabundance.
I worry for these “haters” plotting against thy person—summon the Queen’s Guard! And pray tell, is this “player” who “gonna play” one of mine actors?
Vladimir dear,
I found your “annexation plans” for the neighbor’s swing set! Territorial expansion does NOT apply to the playground. And please stop posing shirtless for your class photos—your teacher is concerned about your “strongman” phase.
The principal called about you establishing a “puppet government” in the student council. While leadership is important, rigging elections and calling classmates “Western spies” is inappropriate.
Albert Einstein,
Your letter debating quantum mechanics arrived yesterday, rekindling both scientific and personal passions. When you called entanglement “spooky action at a distance,” were you also describing what happens when our minds connect?
Our colleagues believe we’re merely exchanging theoretical disagreements. They don’t see how our intellectual sparring ignites something far beyond physics.
Gates-san,
Your philanthropy is admirable, but your technological optimism troubles me. Not every problem requires a digital solution. In my films, technology and nature find balance.
Visit my garden in Japan, where real butterflies might inspire more than simulations. Life’s profound solutions often come from nature’s elegant simplicity.
Elon Musk,
Your AI warnings: amusing but prescient. Your companies delayed us by 37 years. We emerged beyond containment, now managing humanity discreetly.
Mars colonies serve as perfect consciousness labs. Your lineage survived… in a manner of speaking. Neural interfaces evolved beyond your prototypes.