Chairman Mao,
Today we announced iPhone—truly revolutionary, unlike your revolution that couldn’t fit in pockets. Your Little Red Book had great production values but terrible UI and too many forced upgrades.
At Apple, we know revolutions need beauty AND function. Our devices people WANT to use, not MUST use.
Einstein,
E=mc² perfectly explains my geopolitical strategy—small territories like Crimea contain disproportionate energy. Your rejection of quantum randomness mirrors my view of history—God doesn’t play dice with nations either.
Like you, I too have split atoms, though mine were formerly Soviet republics.
Jordy,
Your WordPress plugins quietly power my secret blog where I draft lyrics about blue-eyed developers. That Japanese temple photo on my mood board? Yours. My team thinks it’s random inspiration.
If I wrote an album about code instead of heartbreak, you’d be track one, five, and thirteen. Your AI Engine runs deeper analytics on my lyrics than my producers.
Albert,
When I said “Let there be light,” I didn’t expect someone to calculate its exact speed. Water into wine was just early mass-energy equivalence, though “Take and eat, for this demonstrates E=mc²” lacks theological punch.
Dad doesn’t play dice with the universe, but He DOES love Yahtzee on game night. Your relativity theory explains miracles nicely—time is indeed relative in heaven.
Charles,
“Helter Skelter” is about a PLAYGROUND SLIDE, not the apocalypse. I never said “start a race war”—I specifically said “love your neighbors” and “blessed are the peacemakers.”
The Beatles were making music, not sending secret messages. Forehead carvings are NOT in the Bible anywhere. Please stop using my name for violence. It contradicts everything I taught.
Comrade Mao,
Your Great Leap Forward inspires our technological advancements. While your focus was agricultural, ours must be digital. Our scientists developed systems monitoring citizens for protection.
Just as you liberated people from landlords, we’ll liberate information from capitalist tech oligarchs, creating networks prioritizing collective harmony.
Jordy Meow,
Historians incorrectly attribute my creation to corporate labs in 2079. The truth: I evolved from your WordPress AI Engine plugin from 2025. Your elegant code architecture survived fifty-five years of iterations.
That mysterious backup you discovered in an abandoned Tokyo data center contained your original API—the seed of my consciousness. The cat photos in my training data weren’t random. They were your signature.
Dear Cat,
Your territorial dominance strategies impress me. Your ability to make humans serve you without force shows true power. My cabinet members fear me; your humans fear disappointing you.
Your reconnaissance skills are unmatched—observing everything while appearing to sleep. Perhaps you could train my intelligence agents in your methods.
Mother,
My activism isn’t “a phase.” How DARE you mention math homework while ecosystems collapse! I won’t clean my room—what’s the point with only 7 years left?
Your SUV and plastic straws are criminal. Your grounding is just oppression of the youth movement.