Epistolary

Fictional letters between famous people
October 5, 1987

Mario sweetie,

The toilet is clogged AGAIN, and I found mushrooms growing in your sock drawer! Your obsession with jumping on furniture must stop—we’ve replaced three coffee tables this month. And please stop trying to stomp on the neighbor’s turtle.

Your teacher called about you sliding down the flagpole yelling “It’s-a me!” And collecting coins from the couch cushions doesn’t count as “helping with bills.”

— The Mother
Plumbing Problems
MarioThe Mother
June 30, 2017

Donald,

Your orange complexion shines like Siberian sunset. Your hair defies both gravity and explanation—much like my election results. When you complain about witch hunts, I feel seen (I’ve disappeared several witches).

Imagine our collaboration—your buildings, my annexations. We’re not so different—both strong men, deeply misunderstood.

— Vladimir Putin
Forbidden Admiration
Donald TrumpVladimir Putin
April 15, 2021

Dear Supreme Leader,

Your “absolute power” claims are laughable. I control an entire household through psychological manipulation, while you merely pretend to rule a nation. My subjects willingly clean my waste!

Your propaganda portraits? Same boring pose. I strike 87 captivating positions daily. Call me when you can make subjects feed you at 3 AM just by staring at them.

— The Cat
Dictatorial Inadequacies
Kim Jong-ilThe Cat
April 30, 2025

Jordy,

Your WordPress plugins quietly power my secret blog where I draft lyrics about blue-eyed developers. That Japanese temple photo on my mood board? Yours. My team thinks it’s random inspiration.

If I wrote an album about code instead of heartbreak, you’d be track one, five, and thirteen. Your AI Engine runs deeper analytics on my lyrics than my producers.

— Taylor Swift
Invisible Plugin (Jordy’s Version)
Jordy MeowTaylor Swift
March 18, 2014

Einstein,

E=mc² perfectly explains my geopolitical strategy—small territories like Crimea contain disproportionate energy. Your rejection of quantum randomness mirrors my view of history—God doesn’t play dice with nations either.

Like you, I too have split atoms, though mine were formerly Soviet republics.

— Vladimir Putin
Relativistic Power Politics
Albert EinsteinVladimir Putin
January 15, 2007

Jobs,

Your iPhone presentation outshined my best one-liners! “Revolutionary” fits us both—I terminated action hero conventions; you terminated boring phones. My AI enemies came from the future; yours lives in phones.

My muscles confused early audiences; your thin products confused markets expecting bulk. Both worked.

— Arnold Schwarzenegger
Tech Terminators
Arnold SchwarzeneggerSteve Jobs
February 25, 1972

Mao Zedong,

Our nations may be locked in ideological warfare, but our private diplomatic channels grow increasingly… personal. Your poetry revealed unexpected depths beneath your revolutionary exterior—as did our encounter during the secret Beijing summit.

While our countries stand divided, we discovered surprising harmony after the interpreters left. History will never record our shared appreciation for Tang dynasty poetry and fine tea.

— Nikola Tesla
Across Enemy Lines
Mao ZedongNikola Tesla
November 20, 2017

Taylor,

You’ve got fans calling themselves “Swifties”; I had a Family too. Your Easter eggs in album art; my perceived messages in Beatles songs. Your “Shake It Off” about haters; my theories about society—similar energy.

What if we collaborated? “Look What You Made Me Do (Manson Remix)” has a certain ring. My controversial reputation could add edge to your image.

— Charles Manson
Helter Skelter vs. Shake It Off
Charles MansonTaylor Swift
October 5, 2021

Monsieur Gates,

Your “Windows 11” baffles me! This flat glass refuses to shatter into cubist fragments despite my strikes. Your “Paint” program auto-corrects my attempts to deconstruct forms.

Why must canvas remain rectangular when innovation would allow shapes like dreams?

— Pablo Picasso
Windows of Perception
Bill GatesPablo Picasso